A Fat Body In Motion

I don't know guys.  I have nothing major to say other than a fat body can move.  And move pretty well.

No excuses.

I've got aches and pains - but you know what?  I'm freaking 40 and menopausal.  I think that is pretty much part of the deal.  I can work around it.

So I move.  I might be slower.  I might scale.  I might not do it "just so".  But I MOVE!

I Crossfitted a few times in the last week - and perhaps my I had wholebodyitis afterward, but I showed up and completed the WODs.  Sans buddy even!

And today, I went back to Pilates - and I surprised myself by how much muscle memory I had and how well I moved through the exercises.  I kept thinking to myself during these exercises, wow, this fat body is really doing this.  Yay!

I have a feeling that this had a lot to do with the fact that I have been doing active release therapy.  But whatever.  I MOVED.  And it was good.

A fat body can move.  And groove.  Just sayin'.  Do people still say that?

Just So, Until It's Controlled

I think for as long as I can remember things needed to be "just so".

Yep, that's me.

This applies to everything in my life.  My home.  My job.  My nutrition.  My workout.

If I couldn't get it / have it / do it "just so" then it either didn't count or was not good enough.

This is pretty much what keeps me from making any real progress in my life.

Today I was fixing up my house and doing some decorating (because this is what I do to de-stress), and I was hanging curtains.  The folds in the curtains were not "just so" and I kept trying to fix them.  WHAT THE WHAT?  Why does this matter?  Who is even going to see these curtains or CARE?  No one but me, but they need to be "just so" or I won't stop thinking about them.  THE FOLDS IN THE CURTAINS.  Come on!  I had cancer.  Why do I care about folds in curtains?

At work, I will critique a project over and over and over until the vendor gets it "just so".  But, truth be told, the project would have been good enough several revisions ago.

This same problem is replicated in my nutrition and workout life.  In January, I signed up for Precision Nutrition(PN) and I fizzled out because life got busy (I just typed busty, haha, that is so ironic) and I couldn't do it perfectly.   I got so behind in the lessons and felt too overwhelmed with trying to catch up.  I determined there was no way I would ever work the program "just so".   So I quit following the program.  I wasn't doing it perfectly, so it didn't count.  I wasn't good enough.

I've heard people talk about the 80/20 rule and even the 60/40 rule (this one was mentioned at work, scary).  Meaning, that you are "good" 80% of the time and the other 20% you get to slack off.  You are still doing just a little bit better, so you make progress.

I have to tell you I hate percentages when it comes to measuring my success.  Because I have laser focus on those numbers and if it is not considered an "A" or "B" - then I am not good enough.  It is not "just so".  I can't get a "C" or a "D" at life?  This is absolutely not acceptable.

But guys, I'm fat.  I am getting an "F" in that department (haha - F - get it?  for fat?).

Failure is not an option

Is this a lightbulb moment?  Why is getting an "F" in my body OK but I can't freaking leave the damn curtains alone?  I need an "A" in curtains!  Curtains are important!

I really don't know.  Maybe because my body betrayed me.  Maybe because I find comfort in food when things get shitty.  Maybe because I think I'm not worthy.  Maybe I'm building a wall so no one can hurt me.  These are all theories I've discussed in various therapy sessions.  There have been no epiphanies had.  No ah-ha Oprah moments.  It still remains the great mystery.

Oh my gosh guys.   It's control.  I can't control the damn curtains, but I can control my body.  I've got my body under control.  It's controlled in a negative direction, but it is controlled. 

I can't control the curtains.  So I work and work and work until I feel like I have control.  I can't control the work project, so I demand and demand and demand until it is "just so" and I feel in control.

Wow.  I wasn't expecting to come up with this theory.  So now what do I do with this information?

Interestingly, one of my PN lessons was about focusing on the scale and making the scale move.  You can't control the scale.  But you can control your behaviors.  If you focus on changing your behavior, which you can totally control, you may in fact change the number on the scale.

Can I change my desire to control my body to be in the positive direction?  Can I aim to get a C or a D by trying?  Absolutely.  In fact, I know I can get an A.  I've done it here and here and here.

BUT, knowing and doing are two very different things.  :(

Is this thing on?

I'm thinking about blogging again.  For accountability.  I need to get healthy again and well, this blog is all about that.

After cancer, losing T-Boz and generally just being fearful, I got fat again.  And lost my mojo.  I found a whole mailbox on my computer that had been untouched since October 2010.  That was when the shit hit the proverbial fan.  I found emails and Facebook posts / comments that allowed me to piece together a pretty crappy year:

• House was burgled and sense of security in my own home lost
• Weird infection on my foot that sent me to the hospital
• Diagnosed with breast cancer
• Lost my boobs
• Had chemo
• Lost my hair
• Lost some friends
• Lost my best friend of 17 years; my dog T-boz (this one hurts the most)

That was all in one year people.  Hard to bounce back from that.  And some more crappy stuff followed that - like losing my ovaries and being put into instant menopause - losing any chance of conceiving.  Thinking suicide was the option because of the stupid cancer medication - it made me crazy.  Menopause aged me instantly.  Everything hurts, I have a hot flash about once an hour, my moods are unreliable and my nether regions, well I don't need to share everything.  

Geez, now that I see all of that lined up, I see that it has been a pretty crappy couple of years.  

However, the crappy can't win.  Right now it is winning because of fear. 

I have a lot of fear holding me back.  I fear cancer recurrence almost daily.  I fear that no man will ever find me attractive because of my scars, both physically and mentally.  I fear that there is no point to getting healthy again.  I fear that getting healthy will be too hard - impossible even.  I fear that I can't do it by myself.  I fear success.  I fear getting injured.  I fear what others think of me.  I fear pity.

How do I move past these fears?  One day at a time.  I've got to stop focusing on being perfect.  Or doing all or nothing.  Or giving up whole food groups.  Or exercising every day.  Just doing a little bit better is moving in the right direction.  So there will be no Whole 30 mentioned here.  No cleanse.  No challenge.  Just daily plugging along.  How can I be just a little better than the day before.  This is crazy too because I.  Just.  Do.  Not.  Operate.  This.  Way.  Period.

So time to pick myself up, dust off my mojo and get back in the game.

Is anyone still out there?