Sunday, June 15, 2014

Is this thing on?

I'm thinking about blogging again.  For accountability.  I need to get healthy again and well, this blog is all about that.

After cancer, losing T-Boz and generally just being fearful, I got fat again.  And lost my mojo.  I found a whole mailbox on my computer that had been untouched since October 2010.  That was when the shit hit the proverbial fan.  I found emails and Facebook posts / comments that allowed me to piece together a pretty crappy year:

  • House was burgled and sense of security in my own home lost
  • Weird infection on my foot that sent me to the hospital
  • Diagnosed with breast cancer
  • Lost my boobs
  • Had chemo
  • Lost my hair
  • Lost some friends
  • Lost my best friend of 17 years; my dog T-boz (this one hurts the most)
That was all in one year people.  Hard to bounce back from that.  And some more crappy stuff followed that - like losing my ovaries and being put into instant menopause - losing any chance of conceiving.  Thinking suicide was the option because of the stupid cancer medication - it made me crazy.  Menopause aged me instantly.  Everything hurts, I have a hot flash about once an hour, my moods are unreliable and my nether regions, well I don't need to share everything.  

Geez, now that I see all of that lined up, I see that it has been a pretty crappy couple of years.  

However, the crappy can't win.  Right now it is winning because of fear. 

I have a lot of fear holding me back.  I fear cancer recurrence almost daily.  I fear that no man will ever find me attractive because of my scars, both physically and mentally.  I fear that there is no point to getting healthy again.  I fear that getting healthy will be too hard - impossible even.  I fear that I can't do it by myself.  I fear success.  I fear getting injured.  I fear what others think of me.  I fear pity.

How do I move past these fears?  One day at a time.  I've got to stop focusing on being perfect.  Or doing all or nothing.  Or giving up whole food groups.  Or exercising every day.  Just doing a little bit better is moving in the right direction.  So there will be no Whole 30 mentioned here.  No cleanse.  No challenge.  Just daily plugging along.  How can I be just a little better than the day before.  This is crazy too because I.  Just.  Do.  Not.  Operate.  This.  Way.  Period.

So time to pick myself up, dust off my mojo and get back in the game.

Is anyone still out there?