|Bon Voyage to MY bombshells. They were keepers.|
Anywho, he confirmed that immediate reconstruction was not an option for me because of my previous breast reduction. There are concerns that the blood supply would not be adequate to sustain new tissue. Once the mastectomy heals the blood supply and skin will be stronger and able to sustain new boobs.
I am a good candidate for all of the reconstruction options which is good I guess. I will be able to build some good new ones. If I choose to build them out of tummy tissue, he will want me to be closer to my ideal weight. Interestingly, the tummy foobs will still think they are tummy and will gain and lose weight just like I do now. He has patients that come back after losing weight with deflated foobs.
I am overweight again (this is putting it nicely) so I said I was not at my ideal weight and that I had about 60 lbs to go. He asked if I thought I could lose that much weight and I said I had lost 100 lbs before and his eyes got real big. He said, well obviously I could lose a substantial amount of weight and he would like to postpone the reconstruction till I am closer. I don't really want deflated foobs, so all in all, it makes sense to wait.
Even if the weight didn't matter I would need to wait 4 months for my mastectomy to heal. 6 months if I have radiation.
BUT I REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO WAKE UP WITH NOTHING!!!
So I cried when he left. And proceeded to cry most of yesterday.
I guess I had held onto some hope that I could have something done. Anything.
I have been obsessing with boobs and what they look like. And how they make you look like a woman. I've been looking at "after" pictures from mastectomies and there are some pretty terrible ones (I have since deleted from my history - I will not subject you to them) and some really nice ones (this link includes some reconstructed foobs too). Honestly, I think having nothing (no boobs, no nips) makes you look 1) like a dude and 2) like an alien dude.
I don't want to be a dude. I don't want to look like a dude.
As an aside, I'd still like to date a dude. Will a dude date a girl who looks like an alien dude in that area? Sigh. Like I need any more obstacles in the dude department (ANNA!!!! BLARGH!).
Anywho, it just really sucks. I no longer think I will die, but I sure do think Saturday morning is going to be a tough pill to swallow.
Next up is getting shot up with radioactive dye tomorrow and seeing which lymph node the fucker drains too (sorry Mom). Then I'll do whatever I'm supposed to do for pre-op stuff and then have pictures of the radioactive lymph nodes. I'll try and post and say how that went and how I'm feeling before the big day.
P.S. I am totally giving everyone a free pass to feel me up. I think it is important to feel what boob cancer feels like. If you want to know before Friday, just ask.
Love to you all.