Friday, November 11, 2011

Thirty Days of Thankful - Day 8, 9 and 10

I know.  I missed a few days.  I've felt sorry for myself and couldn't get in here type up the things I am thankful for even though I know that is when I need to the most.  I hate cancer.  I am having headaches and alot of pelvic pressure and this is new.  My mind goes directly to my oncologist saying my cancer will most likely come back in my brain, bones or liver.  Well, you can guess what I think headache means...and pelvic pressure is thanks to Tamoxifen.  Sigh.

Anywho, today I am thankful for:

  • Our veterans

My Pop - Walter - on the left was in the airforce

My Pop - "Brubs" - on the left was in the navy

One of my favorite things - real vmail from my pop (Walter) to his family
  • The fact that when I lay my head down to sleep, I do not worry about bombs exploding.
  • The fact that I acknowledge my fear to serve in the military.
  • The fact that some do not have the fear and fight everyday for me.
  • The fact that I have not lost life or limb.
  • The fact that I am not impoverished.
  • Having clean water to drink.
  • Having food to eat (to excess even).
  • Having a piggy bank that I do not count on to pay my bills.
  • Having the luxury of frivolous expenditures.
  • Finding the tiny shirt that the Overtons got my precious Tboz when we first met her.    It is so tiny and is a Texas A&M shirt.  I thought I had lost it and am working on a photo album (OK, really this just means I drug out the giant crate with photos in it and it is just sitting there in my room barely touched - I hate making photo albums) and found it tucked away with my photos.  I can't believe she was ever that tiny.
  • Petfinder.  I look on this website constantly to find my new best friend.  I am thinking I would like a healthy young corgi/basset hound/jack russell mix.  Black or white and female.  I do not know if this exists, but I look all the time or when I especially miss Tboz.
  • Hair paste stuff.  William had given me a huge goody bag of hair products and today I looked through it and found some "paste".  I put a tiny bit of it in my hair to give it some..., well, just because I could.
  • Fleece vests.  I think I have 4 now and they camouflage the no boob and boob roll and stomach roll nicely.
  • Portable heaters.
  • Spinning - I totally escape for one whole glorious hour.
  • In general, that my friends are still my friends even though I am quirky and don't socialize all that well.
  • In general, that my friends are still my friends even though I may say the wrong things.
  • My new sneakers from Privo.  They are white and so comfortable.  They were my present for finally attending to Tboz' remains.
  • Big ass salads
  • My parent's friends Joe and Kat because they help take care of mom and dad.
  • My parent's friends JD and Vanita because they help take care of mom and dad.
  • The prayer that my mom said for me and Tboz the day I let her go.
  • Straight teeth.  
  • Real mail.  Like in the mailbox.
  • Cable
  • Flip flops
  • The email I received from my pal Allison.  I sure do miss her.
  • Discovering that I can make tacos using savoy cabbage as the tortilla.  They sure are good.  I'm a genius.
  • My giant diamond ring.  Even though I feel like I no longer deserve to wear it, I still do.  Suck it.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Thirty Days of Thankful - Day 7

Today I am thankful for:

  • Sleep - fell asleep last night with no Ativan!  Didn't stay asleep, but good step forward.
  • Finding the small piece of greenie that is in my purse.  This was the greenie that I brought to Tboz in the hospital and held while she chewed it.  I didn't let her have the last bit because I was afraid she would choke.  She used to hold them with her little paws.  She loved greenies.  It was her favorite part of the day to get to enjoy the greenie.
  • Oz, the big sheep/husky dog next door.  Tboz loved Oz.  She would visit Oz after peeing on the mailbox. Oz was the only dog Tboz liked.  And they were so cute together.  She would go sniff his nose and then run off like a puppy.  The day before Tboz had to be let go, I took her over to see Oz and held her and bent down to let him sniff her and her him.  To say goodbye.  Shortly after, when we were at home, she perked up.  I think it was Oz.
  • Oz being home and outside last night.  Last night I came home and was wishing for doggie companionship so much.  I looked over to see if Oz was out and I didn't see him.  I went down to the mailbox and heard his whimper and saw him in the shadows.  Yay!  I went over and just pet him and pet him and pet him and told him what a good dog he was and talked about missing Tboz.  It was nice.
  • My pal Christine.  She is my spinning and yoga instructor and she always makes me feel calm and capable.  Lately, OK just twice, I have been doing spinning and then yoga on Tuesdays.  It really helps escape for 2 or so hours and I usually feel so much better.
  • Running into this other lady at work who is a 12 year survivor.  I was given her name by another coworker and called her right when I was diagnosed.  She was so helpful and maybe the only person I talked to who was a survivor before my surgery.  She is flat like me and I think about her telling me the benefits of this almost every day.  She was not supposed to live, and she has lived for 12 years and counting.  She is a survivor.  I finally met her in person yesterday and she had lots to say about perspective.  She also said I was still very new at this and not to expect so much.  She also advised me to try and separate all the bad things that have happened to me to single events - not to say all these bad things happened to me!  But to say my dog died and I will need to grieve her.  This is separate from my breast cancer.
  • Plans to see the Rockettes Christmas Spectacular thing with pal Allison this weekend.
  • When cold outside and after 2 hours of exercise, the heat blowing on my face while driving with the windows down or top off
  • My dad, for sending me a very nice email and a book (All Dogs go to Heaven) when Tboz was let go
  • Cheese
Wow, this was a juicy one.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Thirty Days of Thankful - Day 6

Today I am thankful for:

  • Cupcakes
  • Ativan - it helps me sleep
  • Fleece hoodies with thumb holes
  • This blog.  I spent a good 3 hours or so re-reading my posts this weekend.  It brought perspective.  I read the comments too and felt the love again.
  • My pal Kristen - she makes me laugh and is always encouraging.
  • My ability to cook.  Thanks Mom.
  • Dr. J for helping me through the painful process of letting Tboz go.
  • My co-workers.  They make me laugh and are also very supportive.
  • This girl at work, and I forget her name, which is terrible.  But anyway, she is also a breast cancer survivor and the other day I was talking to her about hair and fear and what not and she GOT me.  She understood and has been there.  These kinds of talks are so helpful.
  • This other lady at work.  She had cancer too and has a really good perspective on fear.  This talk was also so very helpful.
Just a random note - its like all the cells in my body that produce hair woke up and started producing extra hair.  Its like the cells were all like, hey, we are supposed to shut down.  This sucks.  And then when chemo was over, they were all like, hey, time to wake up!  We're free!  Lets really get after it!  WOOHOO!  Life is good again!  And so hair is coming up everywhere.  Like on my knuckles.  I look like my dad and uncle.  I had to trim that hair on my knuckles.  Ewww.

I should take a cue from my hairs and live life like they are.  They are excited.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Thirty Days of Thankful - Day 5

Today I am thankful for:

  • The ability to do not one damn thing but surf the web all day
  • My ambition.  Change.  Its a brewing.  But only a tiny bit.
  • Fizzy drink.  I honestly don't think I could live without this.  For reals.
  • the relative good health of my Mom and Dad
  • My creativity.
  • My best friend of a gazillion years.  Erin and I don't talk alot, but I always know she is there.  She knows me - I mean deep down knows me.  I think those that know you when you were growing up will always know you best.
  • no crying babies that live at my house.  See, there are positives to having to have your lady parts removed.  This will never be a problem that I have.
  • Crossfit Durham.  The majority of my friends are from this place.  And they have supported me more than I can explain in words.  It has also taught me that I can be an athlete.  I'll get there again.  Someday.
  • No blackeyes when I jump rope now.  See, there are positives to not having any boobs.  I totally hang out flat at the gym.  And I know its obvious, because I have asked my friends if they could tell that I have no boobs.  I wonder what other people think when they see me with no boobicals.  I feel like an it alot.  I wonder if I look like an it.
  • The warmth of sunshine on face
Check out these hair pictures:
September 24

November 6 (artsy version)

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Thirty Days of Thankful - Day 3 and 4

Picture from here.
I skipped yesterday so I will write 20 things I am thankful for:

  • Pedicures
  • Massage Chairs
  • My friend Jessica for being there for me during my cancer diagnosis and surgery
  • My friend Joanna for helping me through that terrible day that I lost my sweet Tboz
  • The fact that my friend Mark was at the vet this morning when I finally picked up my sweet Tboz' remains
  • Apple support - helped me restore function to itunes which is like my life support system
  • Itunes - music is healing
  • My friend Beatrice for porpoise checking
  • Jeans that fit
  • Pumpkin bread
  • Mornings that no alarm clock goes of
  • My hair growing back
  • My neighbor Caroline who came over the night before Tboz was let go and she just hugged me and later told me she didn't think that Tboz would make it much longer.  This helped me so much to hear that.  To know that others saw her suffering and therefore validated my decision.
  • My jeep, Sunshine.  She just hit 50,000 miles and I still love driving her.
  • Facebook.  Its such a huge timesuck, but really helps me stay connected when all I want to do is isolate.
  • The beauty that is fall
  • My freedom to write this blog and speak my truth.  The truth will ALWAYS set you free.  You are only as sick as your secrets.
  • Belly laughs.  Not forced "as if" laughs, but real spontaneous laughter that makes your belly hurt.
  • Clean clothes.  Man I hate to put away laundry, but I sure do love the look, smell and feel of clean clothes.  I consider myself lucky to be able to have clean things.
  • My cholesterol has finally come down ALOT (from 353 to 212).  Got the results yesterday and the medication and Paleo is working.  

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Thirty Days of Thankful - Day 2

Today I am thankful for:

  • holiday peppermint coffee
  • pajamas
  • my friend Allison B. and all of her support and encouragement
  • my friend Amy for just getting me - warts and all
  • my friend Ericka for opening her home to me and making me feel safe
  • my friend Mischa for being there when I need her like shaving my head
  • that I do not have HIV (I see how terrible this disease is at work)
  • having shelter when its cold out
  • dbt because its one stable thing that I is keeping me sane
  • the memory of tboz' corn chip smelling feet

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Thirty Days of Thankful - Day 1

There is a thing on facebook that people are doing - 30 days of being thankful.

Thankful is a weird word.

Anyway, I think it would be excellent for me to do this to help me see that it is not always about how shitty things are.  I know this, but actually typing out some things might help it sink in and help pull me out of my dark space.

I will write 10 things every day.  Even if they are small, like I am thankful for the hot water in my shower.  Here goes Day 1, in no particular order.

I am thankful...

  • that I had 17 fun filled years to enjoy my precious Tboz.  I would never give that up to avoid the pain I feel now.
  • that I can call my mom any time and feel better
  • that my Dad has started texting me
  • that I have friends that are willing to help me out of the dark spaces
  • that my body, after all it has been through, can do crossfit, spinning, yoga and pilates
  • that I have good insurance
  • that I have a nice home (even though it feels pretty empty now)
  • that I have a flexible job at a time that I need it to be flexible
  • that I am going home to Texas for the holidays
  • for soft sheets