I still hear you Tboz. And its hard.
There are spaces where you should be that you are not. But I hear you. I hear your footsteps on the tile, I hear the jingle jangle of your collar, I hear you scratching at the door. And it is hard.
I wonder if there were more things I could have done for you. Could I have played with you more? Could I have taken you on more walks? Could I have not stayed away from home so long?
And then the terrible comes in. Could I have saved you? Did I give up too soon? What if you were misdiagnosed? Could steroids have helped you?
The question comes up so often during my days and even more so at night - how am I going to get through this? And the answer is, simply so, because I have to.
i am so sorry for your loss, melinda. i know exactly what you mean about still hearing tboz - those phantom sounds drove me crazy after i put my cat down.
ReplyDeletei also completely understand about the second-guessing yourself... but it's now been about 5 months since i had to put down my kitty who had been with me for 12 years. the other day i was looking through photos on my phone and i found one i took of her on the last day - she looked *so sick*, i wonder how i could have ever questioned my decision. the picture shows suffering, of that there's no question now.
i'm sure you made the right decision regarding tboz because a) it's the hardest decision we ever have to make for our pets and since you clearly loved her well, it's not one you would have ever made lightly or without being as certain as anyone can be; and b) you knew her better than anyone. she gave you "the look" and you knew it was time. trust tboz, trust yourself, and try not to make your grief any worse by questioning your decision - it hurts bad enough to just be without her, you don't need to add to that pain. i say this as someone who did plenty of self-flagellation for months after putting down my kitty... but also as someone who with clearer hindsight knows without question that it was the right decision at the right time.
take care of yourself, and try to be kind to yourself in your grief.
Those "what if's" and "if only's" are really hard, but they are normal. I've had the same thoughts about Jason and couldn't hardly stand it at first. You'll get through it, because you have to, but those thoughts will still haunt you off and on. Wish I could tell you that they will go away some day, but they won't. They eventually won't consume you though. We just have to believe we did the best we could and it was just their time to go.
ReplyDeleteLove you and loved T,
Mom
Thank you for these thoughtful comments.
ReplyDelete