Dear Corpulent Friends

WOW.

From Hathi Trust Digital Library

I came across this in the news tonight. Take 10 minutes and read it over.  Super interesting to me.

A few things to say:

1)  Paleo was alive and well in 1864:  this guy eliminates bread, butter, sugar, beer, milk and potatoes.
2)  I would much rather be called fat than corpulent.  Seriously, the synonyms listed for corpulent make me want to crawl into the fetal position in shame.
3)  Vegetables apparently had no place on the 1864 table.
4)  Fat people were ostracized in 1864, too.

Published in the July, 1903 issue of MODERN PRISCILLA.

And for you dirty corpulent folks, how about some obesity soap?  Nothing gets rid of fat like soap!

I love history.

The Weigh In

My Mom was right.  If I keep doing good things to my body, I will see the results I want to see.

My weigh in day at Weight Watchers is on Thursday (we weigh in once a week).  Last week, I weighed in and was up .4 of a pound.  I was pretty devastated because I was totally following the program.  There is nothing more frustrating than not having any rationale for a gain.  I mean, there wasn't even pizza or cake involved and I gained.

What?
This isn't how weighing in looks at your meeting?

So anyway, I decided to put the scales in my house away and only weigh in on my weigh in day at WW.  This almost drove me crazier than weighing everyday.  I had no idea how I was doing this week and it was killing me.

As Thursday approached, I had no idea what to expect.  I had followed the program, with a tiny mishap over the weekend.  I had a little issue with pancakes and chocolate chips.  And before that, I had gone out of town and totally enjoyed a dinner out with my friends AND dessert at one of my favorite restaurants.  I was very worried that I would see a gain again.

My mental stability was at stake.  I really was beginning to doubt my abilities to be successful at weight loss.

Thursday arrived and I was a wreck.  So nervous and anxious.  I hop on the scale totally not prepared for what I would be told.  I needed success.  I needed something to build on, to keep going.

And from Eve, came a "hrrrrumpph".  And I thought OH DEAR GOD I GAINED.

And then Eve showed me the result.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Ok.  DOWN 4.4lbs.

YIIIIIIPPPPPPEEEEEE!

And just like that, my outlook changed.  I can do this.  I can trust and not weigh every day.  I can measure my progress by how well I follow the program.  It is working.  And the best thing, I can actually eat food - real food - and be happy and satisfied and still lose weight.

To be clear, I am no advocate of caring what the scale says.  The scale can make you crazy (case in point, this entire post) and make you believe things that aren't true.  Like, I'm not good enough or I should be punished.  It is difficult, however, when your goal is weight loss.  You do need to care a little.  Emphasis on "a little" people.

If all you care about is what that stupid piece of equipment says, then you will almost always be disappointed.  Especially if you are a girl (freaking "normal" fluctuations for girly stuff!!!).  So how do you get to the point of not caring?  You thought I would have the answers, didn't you?  Well I don't.  I don't know how you get past caring what the stupid piece of equipment says.

Do you care what the scale says?  Maybe dear readers, all 3 of you, you can share your scale dramas or lack thereof?

Here is a little treat - don't lie to yourself - you know you've done a pre and post weigh in.

Good Advice

My return to Crossfit has indeed been eye opening.  I am REALLY trying to check my ego at the door.  I am scaling all over the place and scaling alot.  I mean, I haven't been gone that long, WTF.  I think my confidence is shaken and only time and proper scaling (not sandbagging) will get it back.

Me learning "Beast" skills

We worked on handstands on Wed and I was able to kick up into mine just fine.  It was a great feeling to know that all was not lost and that one of the things that we do that consistently brings a smile to my face, I was still able to do.  Yay me!

Side note:  we were working on hand stand push ups and I went down a whole inch and a half!  This was after a few kick ups and me saying, "nothing's happening!"  Yay me again!

The WODs, as well as my spinning class, are leaving me in heaps on the floor drenched in sweat.  And it feels hard.  Really really hard.  This, I think, is due to being out of shape and has nothing to do with my confidence.

There is a Crossfit saying that if you don't fear your workout, it isn't hard enough.  Believe me Crossfit, I fear you.  Especially the freaking thrusters.

A weird body note:  I am experiencing some pretty hard core stomach pain lately when I get really hungry.  After much cyberdiagnosing - maybe I have an ulcer?  But this could just be my hypochondria talking.  At any rate, I completed the WOD last night with some severe stomach pains.  So I get extra credit for showing up and pushing through the pain.

Oh, and I was talking my friend Erin, whom I respect VERY VERY much (recall she was my amazing trainer for the MetroDash), about how I am feeling upon my return to Crossfit.

Her advice, "harden the fuck up"!  I love Erin.

P.S.  I weighed in yesterday at WW.  I was up .8lbs.  WTF.  I am totally on board with this program.  And I like it.  But I just hope that it is going to work for me.  I trust my WW leader, so I will keep on keepin' on.  My Mom says that if I keep doing good things for my body, it will recognize it and I will see the results I want to see.  Sigh...Must. Push. Through.

Random Positive Thoughts about Myself

My friend Eve (OK, full disclosure, she is my WW leader) says I am too hard on myself.  I guess that is true.  I rarely feel good enough.

So, I am going to write down a few things I like about me:

• Lately, my hair gets this really fun curl thing by my ears going on when I sweat.  Sometimes I try and recreate it by just applying water and letting it air dry.  Not the same.  Its only great when it comes via sweating alot.
• I can cook just about anything.  And usually it looks like something I want to eat.  I learned this from my Mom.
• I've raised a pretty fun, happy and healthy little girl.
• I've made some really great friends.  I've done this.  I realize friendships don't just happen.  You have to work at them.
• My house is pretty cool.  I can put stuff together to make it look good.
• I can fix lots of stuff on my own.  I learned this from my Mom too.
• I can totally pull off a nose ring.
• I have great freckles.
• People like to tell me stuff and share heavy stuff with me. 
• My eyeballs are nice looking.
• I quit drinking
• I quit smoking

OK, now I am maybe going overboard.  But I get the point.  I'm pretty cool.

Check Baby Check Baby One Two

All I want to do is lifty lift lift lift and a metcon, just like I used to!

LAME.

Anywho - it was back to Crossfit today.  WOW.  I tried really really hard not to compare my weak ass self with everyone else, but I did.  And then I ended up in a sad space.  And then I thought I don't like Crossfit anymore.  And then I called my friend Anna.  And now it is better.

There I am living in the past again.  It is what it is and this is where I am.  The only way I'm going to get faster / stronger / fitter is if I (emphasis on I) do the work, and do it consistently.

So from now on, at least for a little while, I will have to check my ego at the door and then go back and double check that it stayed there and then later go back, open the door and kick the ego's ass into the cold cold world.

Check Baby...

P.S.  Hey Ego, you better check yourself before you wreck yourself.

P.S.S.  I am totally cracking myself up with lame-o analogies and stupid 90's references.

P.S.S.S.  The salt in my wound today - was up 2 lbs.  WTF!  I am totally following my program.  Scales are going in the cabinet.  They make me crazy and I don't want my happiness to be dictated by what that damn piece of equipment says.  EFF you scale!

Unexpected Happiness

Happy New Year blog readers!

I have taken stock in how 2010 went and concluded that it sucked big ole donkey you know what.  I am totally stoked about 2011 and pretty sure it is going to rock like twisted sister did back in the 80's.

I also had a wake-up-after-too-many-cocktails-to-see-who-is-sleeping-in-your-bed moment with my scale.  As would be expected, it wasn't the outcome I was hoping for.  At any rate, it was a good way to sort of draw a line in the sand to signify a new beginning.  Nothing good really ever comes from living in the past.  And just in case you are curious, I have officially put on 25lbs of the 100 I have lost.  Sigh.

Thank goodness for new years motivation.

I am working through the new WW program and so far the main difficulty is overcoming the guilt with eating grains and dairy.  Honestly, WTF happened to me.  Life is too short to not enjoy nutritious things.  In moderation.  So I am happy to say that it has been fun experimenting with adding in things I had since poo-poo'd but enjoyed.  Like Ezekiel Sprouted Grain Tortillas and Sargento Reduced-fat Mexican Cheese:

Taco Soup + Ezekiel Sprouted Grain Tortillas  with Cheese

*Photo Note:  I take photos of my dinners and post to facebook via my cell phone.  I need to start using my real camera so that the pictures are better.  But. That. Takes. Effort.  I'm only lazy sometimes.

Experimenting is cool.  So are new knives and crock pot.  Thanks Santa!

I haven't been to Crossfit since early December.  I was looking forward to returning last week, but my body decided to get a cold instead.  Oh the re-entry into Crossfit is going to be eye-opening and painful.  But I miss getting my ass kicked and lifting heavy things.  Most of all, I miss my friends.

Also, I have been struggling to work through my feeling of inadequacy, defeat and overall non-worthiness that has come about with my weight gain and I think I have almost kind of gotten passed it (wow - almost kind of - really?  That's kind of non-committal don't you think?  Yeah, I'm sticking to it). I guess I have just been feeling like I have let alot of people down, especially those that see me as inspirational (blargh!).  

The guilt and shame of my very visible (by very visible, I mean my fat) issues with food have been all encompassing.  It has kept me from participating in things that I would have liked to have participated in.  It has kept me from wearing my cute winter clothes.  And frankly, it has made me someone I don't want to be. 

On top of this, there are feelings of disappointment in myself when I see some others in my gym that are success stories - really really really awesome transformational success stories - and here I am just being lazy and gaining weight.  A few folks at my gym are nothing short of amazing.  Ok, I'm just going to name a few that come to mind, and try to keep their identity masked - we'll call them Tristen, Abe and Quil.

Anyway, the epiphany came when I realized that no one else is let down - just me.  And I am only let down, because I keep swimming in the past thinking about what used to be.  My friends don't care if I have gained weight, they maybe just care that I have been missing.  Maybe they just miss hanging out with me.  Maybe they are sad that I am sad.  But me being 25lbs heavier does not let them down.  Quitting?  Well, that might let a few people down.  But I am no quitter.

Finally, I felt what I have identified as happiness this past week.  It has been so so long since feeling this, that I wasn't sure how to identify or process the feeling.  At one point, I got all teary because I felt like my heart was spilling over.  And then, when thinking about some good friends and listening to music, I felt like tendrils of good juju were finding their way into the tiniest molecules of my soul.  Super weird.  But as my good, supportive and patient friend Jo keeps telling me, stop analyzing it and just feel!  I will, Jo, I will!!!  :)