Unexpected Happiness

Happy New Year blog readers!

I have taken stock in how 2010 went and concluded that it sucked big ole donkey you know what.  I am totally stoked about 2011 and pretty sure it is going to rock like twisted sister did back in the 80's.

I also had a wake-up-after-too-many-cocktails-to-see-who-is-sleeping-in-your-bed moment with my scale.  As would be expected, it wasn't the outcome I was hoping for.  At any rate, it was a good way to sort of draw a line in the sand to signify a new beginning.  Nothing good really ever comes from living in the past.  And just in case you are curious, I have officially put on 25lbs of the 100 I have lost.  Sigh.

Thank goodness for new years motivation.

I am working through the new WW program and so far the main difficulty is overcoming the guilt with eating grains and dairy.  Honestly, WTF happened to me.  Life is too short to not enjoy nutritious things.  In moderation.  So I am happy to say that it has been fun experimenting with adding in things I had since poo-poo'd but enjoyed.  Like Ezekiel Sprouted Grain Tortillas and Sargento Reduced-fat Mexican Cheese:

Taco Soup + Ezekiel Sprouted Grain Tortillas  with Cheese

*Photo Note:  I take photos of my dinners and post to facebook via my cell phone.  I need to start using my real camera so that the pictures are better.  But. That. Takes. Effort.  I'm only lazy sometimes.

Experimenting is cool.  So are new knives and crock pot.  Thanks Santa!

I haven't been to Crossfit since early December.  I was looking forward to returning last week, but my body decided to get a cold instead.  Oh the re-entry into Crossfit is going to be eye-opening and painful.  But I miss getting my ass kicked and lifting heavy things.  Most of all, I miss my friends.

Also, I have been struggling to work through my feeling of inadequacy, defeat and overall non-worthiness that has come about with my weight gain and I think I have almost kind of gotten passed it (wow - almost kind of - really?  That's kind of non-committal don't you think?  Yeah, I'm sticking to it). I guess I have just been feeling like I have let alot of people down, especially those that see me as inspirational (blargh!).  

The guilt and shame of my very visible (by very visible, I mean my fat) issues with food have been all encompassing.  It has kept me from participating in things that I would have liked to have participated in.  It has kept me from wearing my cute winter clothes.  And frankly, it has made me someone I don't want to be. 

On top of this, there are feelings of disappointment in myself when I see some others in my gym that are success stories - really really really awesome transformational success stories - and here I am just being lazy and gaining weight.  A few folks at my gym are nothing short of amazing.  Ok, I'm just going to name a few that come to mind, and try to keep their identity masked - we'll call them Tristen, Abe and Quil.

Anyway, the epiphany came when I realized that no one else is let down - just me.  And I am only let down, because I keep swimming in the past thinking about what used to be.  My friends don't care if I have gained weight, they maybe just care that I have been missing.  Maybe they just miss hanging out with me.  Maybe they are sad that I am sad.  But me being 25lbs heavier does not let them down.  Quitting?  Well, that might let a few people down.  But I am no quitter.

Finally, I felt what I have identified as happiness this past week.  It has been so so long since feeling this, that I wasn't sure how to identify or process the feeling.  At one point, I got all teary because I felt like my heart was spilling over.  And then, when thinking about some good friends and listening to music, I felt like tendrils of good juju were finding their way into the tiniest molecules of my soul.  Super weird.  But as my good, supportive and patient friend Jo keeps telling me, stop analyzing it and just feel!  I will, Jo, I will!!!  :)