The Demounding

I am now an alien mutant.

Me and Mom.
See, trying to be in a good place.

Surgery was completed 29 Apr and went as well as it could have. Took about 3 1/2 hours. My mom and my friend Jess were with me the whole day. It was so good to have friendly faces with me when I was rolled out and again when I was rolled back in.

Me and Jess.

For the most part I was at peace with my decision so I wasn't that scared or upset. I did cry a few times before the surgery started. I'm not sure why, I guess just gravity of the situation and mourning the loss of my boobs.

I had gone the day before for the sentinel node mapping. They shot me up with radioactive dye and then took some pictures. The shooting up was not near as bad as I thought it was going to be. It did hurt like a bitch, but only for a minute or so. I came back later and had more pictures taken. They used a Geiger counter (metal detector like thing) to see if any of the lymph nodes took in any of the dye. One did, which was good because the surgeon could just check this one for cancer and not just take out all the nodes with reckless abandon. During surgery, Dr. Olson injected blue dye into the tumor area to make sure they would be able to find them again. Apparently, during surgery 2 nodes took up the dye and were removed. Dr. Olson did some quick pathology on these AND THERE WAS NO CANCER! However, the final pathology will have the final say on whether cancer has spread to the lymph nodes or not. My gut says the fucker was just hanging out locally and was too lazy to go anywhere else. But we shall see.

As far as the surgery goes, I had no problems. It took longer than they expected, but I didn't care as I was totally drugged up. The anesthesiologist gave me a nerve blocker in my spine so that less general anesthesia would be used. I was in lala land before I got that thank goodness. They also gave me a motion sickness patch to avoid nausea and vomiting which is apparently worse with gynecological surgeries. I was still crying when she put me in lala land. I tried hard to be in a good place because I wanted to do well in surgery, but it was hard.

Cancer does suck.

I got some awesome socks from a friend that are pink with "cancer sucks" printed on them. Of course I loved them and wanted to wear them into the OR but the staff said they would get messed up and maybe lost. I apparently made a big deal about wearing the socks in recovery so Jess put them on me as soon as I was in my room. Functional and meaningful.

In recovery, I didn't have a lot of pain and barely noticed that I had no boobs. I was having some shortness of breath and still do, but hopefully it is just due to swelling. I was wearing a compression binder and had 3 drains. The drains are to drain any fluid build up at the surgical site. They are one of the most disgusting things I have come across in my 37 years so I am not going to post a picture or explain the details.

One of my nurses had gone through a mastectomy so it was helpful to have her there not only for nursing support but for emotional support as well.

I was able to come home the next morning, which was awesome. Right before I was to leave the nurse was reviewing how to care for the drains and took off my binder thing and there I was in all my mutant alien glory. I am sunken in and the incisions are about a mile long. It's terrible and much worse than I thought it would be. Even Mom thought it was pretty bad.  I hope with all of my being that it gets better with time.

I am at home now and doing OK. I am in a considerable amount of pain; mostly at the sites of the drains. They are stitched to my body and have damaged some nerve when being placed. I will have to suck it up until they are removed which should be in a week or two. I do feel like I should be doing stuff. Have been going going going and stressing and now I'm just laying here because it hurts to do anything else. I guess it's OK that I am just resting.  There have a been a few random teary times.  I am still not sure when or how I will leave the house.  Between the drains and the giant valleys where boobs once were, the odds are against me leaving - or even being seen.  I feel certain this will get better with time, but it really really really sucks right now.

Mom is still here and bored out of her mind I'm sure. She has been here now for almost 2 weeks. She sure is good at being a mom though and I'm trying to let her help me. She is helping me lots even though she has a bad chest cold. I love you mom. Side note: dad wanted to be here with me very badly, but boobs are more of a mom only deal so he stayed at home. He got a new phone so he and mom are texting it up for updates. I love you dad.



Thanks everyone for the kind thoughts, prayers, well wishes and support.  I am a lucky girl to have so many that genuinely care about me.

I would really like to run away though.  The urge to do this is quite strong again.