Drains are a Pain...and so is just being.

When I went home from the hospital after my mastectomies, I had 3 drains in to drain away any fluid that built up post surgery and any lymph fluid that didn't drain right since they removed lymph nodes. If you don't have the drains, fluid builds up and they have to drain the fluid with a needle.  Yikes!

Today, I have only one drain left!

Grenade and tubing coming out of my body.
I had 2 on one side
(where lymph nodes were removed)
and one the other.

This is so spectacular because they cause a lot of problems and mucho paino.  Well, I guess the main problem is that they hurt me. They are stitched to my body, so they pull and that hurts and then where they are inside my body hurts.  They are hard to sleep with - I worry I will roll over on them (which I do and its totally no big deal) or I worry I will yank them out (I have not yet, but tried on accident a few times - yowsa!)

The other problem I have is that I have a hard time disguising them in my clothing.  As you can see in the picture (I made these black and white to spare you some of the grossness), they are gross and disturbing.  So I don't really like to stroll around and display them for the world to see.  When I got the first one out they weren't so bulky to hide.  Mom got me these hoodies that have pockets on the inside and I just put the grenade pieces in the pockets.  This has worked really well except for the days that it is warm.

Looks like I got gatted.

I have to empty the things a few times a day and when they are outputting less than 30cc of body stuff then they can come out.  I got my first one out on Friday last week and the second one out today!  The second wasn't really ready to come out, but it quit working.  So when I go back to get the last one out, they will drain the area with a needle.  DAMN!  I'm going to have to get shot up again - or shot out?  Whatevs (this is my new hip slang that I get from the kids, its probably outdated already).  When they remove the drain, they don't stitch it up or anything.  There is just a bullet hole in your side.

Anywho - the happiness I feel with getting the drains out is offset with the fear of chemo.  Once all drains are out, I will have to start chemo.  I would guess that by Friday of next week, I will start chemo.  YIKES!

Everything else is going OK.  I am in a significant amount of pain, which sucks.  My chest, the underside of my arms and part of my back are extremely sensitive to the touch.  It feels like stubble rubbing on a really really bad sunburn and then getting goosebumps on the sunburn.  It's pretty terrible.  Even my clothes touching me hurts.  So wearing the hoodies, although excellent at hiding the drains, is painful.  Apparently, when they were chopping off the boobs, they had to cut through a major nerve.  This is what is causing my pain.  I also have weird phantom pains.  Like my nipples are on fire, but wait, remember you don't have nipples?  Yeah, it's weird to me too.

So sometimes I just have to lay on the couch with a soft tank top on, arms propped up and doped up on the pain pills.  This makes me feel pretty bad about myself.  Like I should be so much further along and out and about and doing stuff.  Sigh.  Its only been 2 weeks - people keep reminding me of this.  I'm just so impatient.

And to top all of this off my mom left me here to fend for myself.  Not really.  I mean she did leave, but only to encourage me to move forward in my healing process.  Mom was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO helpful to me, emotionally and otherwise, while she was here.  I miss her.  Now I have to ask for help.  And I hate it.  And this makes me feel bad about myself.

Maybe things aren't great.  But I'll say they are OK.

Here are some pictures of me doing fun stuff despite all of the bad stuff:

Bulls Game one week post surgery -
big head (me),
teeny head (Anna), small head (Lindsey)

Movie Night with 5 gallon Coke
and Popcorn - 2 week post surgery -
Me and the Misch